Wednesday, May 02, 2018

ARGH!

Today.

I'm exasperated, exhausted, drained, at the end of my ropes and stressed out.

Why?

Because I've allowed myself to stretch too thin on several items that I have passion for.  I now no longer have the patience to play the political game involved with some of these items.  And, I'm also out of patience due to the fact that the group I'm working with does not put in effort and rely heavily on two people to complete everything but are super excited to stand in front of those people and take all the credit for the project.

More than anything, I have expectations that have not been met, hope and faith that has been let down, and I'm defeated by the need for control of others at the expense of doing what is right, even when it feels hard and bad to do it.  Allowing a personal relationship t cloud what needs to happen to save the business itself is taking it's toll on me, because I do not agree with the position of the other side on this matter.

As such, today, I feel the weight of hopelessness, despair, and being clean out of fight to keep battling through to get a business into a better state of being.  Today, I am feeling very much like it is time to dive off the starboard bow and swim happily to the island waiting for me.

As well, I have little patience for self-centered and self-serving people.  I have little patience for those that want to continue to suck the energy from others without providing any meaningful energy contribution back.

In the end it is definitely the issue of wanting to be met effort to effort by people who have no intention of ever coming close to that and I am not able to empathize or sympathize with the fact that they may indeed be providing their best effort and I have decided it is not good enough. 

Yep.  You read that right.  I'm frustrated and I'm realizing that my frustration may be self-inflicted purely because I want people to be wholey involved in something they never had the intention of being wholey invested in, and I perceive the effort to be very one sided. 

So what can I do about this. I can voice my frustration and feelings.  Or I can vent this out in writing here and let it go.  And I can change myself.  The only person I can actually control in this entire situation.  I can choose to walk away from it, as there is no monetary gain for me to be doing this.  It is a volunteer situation.  And I can let it go.  I can start meeting people with their effort rather than going gun-ho the way I tackle my professional projects. 

All of these things I can control.  How others choose to participate in activities and Board initiatives is their choice, I can only control my choice.  If it is bothering me this much, I can scale back my participation to match the effort of others.  That will feel foreign though.  I have always been someone that puts my heart and soul into the projects I work on and overkill or "be extra" regularly.  I do not have to be that way in my adult life, as it is my choice to be that way. 

Alas, the frustration I feel is because I perceive the efforts of others to be sub-par to my own.  How conceited of me.  They are providing the effort they can provide and choose to provide.  As am I.  So my only option is to mitigate myself. 

Still ARGH!  That I have to be the one to see this, and make the changes.  I am tired of changing things. 

My other option - surround myself with the "extra" people and really get some things done, or channel my energy into other pursuits and let these floundering people flounder.

ARGH!




Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Learning to Value Yourself

2018 has 365 days in it.

Each a gift in itself, though we forget about that part most of the time.

In the past 8 months, I've been learning a lot about myself. 

For example, I used to fill the gap of feeling inadequate and lonely in my life, by purchasing "things".  I'd wander a mall, an antique store, a market, a new town, and inevitably I'd find "things" to buy.  The trouble with that?  My home was full of stuff.  To the brim in some places.  And I didn't even remember some of the great things I had found for my home. 

Then, you go through a tough time, packing all of your belongings up into boxes and moving out of the place you called home and setting off on your own.  The task of unpacking your life into this new space is gloriously freeing and fulfilling.  So, I stopped trying to fill in the voids I felt in life with things, and started unpacking my life.

I got down and dirty with myself and those boxes.  I learned I hold onto things hoping to rekindle the joy I once felt, or thinking that those items had to stay because it is the only way I'd remember the experiences, people and places I wanted to remember.

Living on my own for the first time ever was a truly magical experience.  It allowed me to be the controller and ruler of me.  I had all of my belongings and worldly possessions in the same place at the same time.  I came and went as I wanted.  I painted walls in colours I wanted.  I dressed my beds in linens I loved, in fabrics that felt gorgeous under my fingertips.  I arranged the furniture in the way I wanted...and then rearranged it three weeks later when the flow was still off.  And I began reevaluating the possessions of my life. 

Having a space all to yourself is glorious!  I loved every single second of it!  Then, as life does, things changed, and I found myself packing life up again to move to another place.  I loved my place.  Everything about it was perfect for me.  It checked off the dream place I had in my mind's eye.  And I didn't quite get enough time with it.  Circumstances of ownership had changed, and I was left having to find another place. 

And so, this time I packed up less of myself into boxes.  This time though, I was lighter by several boxes, had stream lined my life better, and was able to take my time getting packed and purged as I went. 

In my new space, I was no longer the only ruler of my domain.  There are others in the domain that have thoughts and opinions.  Though, I can say, the blend of this new domain has been good so far. 

I've been able to unpack my possessions and have been able to blend and create warm and inviting spaces in this new domain.  I am not quite finished unpacking everything yet.  There is still purging going on.  My 2018 goal is to purge 18% of my own belongings.  I'm well on my way to this and am proud of the work I've done in the last 3 months on this front. 

As more of the blending occurs, I'm finding myself making lists of To-Do items again.  And this time, they are shared lists.  I've learned that I really enjoy my own space.  I love it, I live in it, I am comfortable with myself and my space and what I have in my space.  I have been practicing inviting in only that which truly serves me best and letting go of the "nice to have" things that will inevitably collect dust, or take up space with clutter that I am no longer happy to have in my space.

As this process continues, it often appears to outsiders as the mess grows before it gets better.  Indeed this is sometimes how it feels.  However, having everything laid out and in front of you, you can instinctively purge out 10% of the items right away as things you do not need to keep anymore.  As you go, there are things that you feel worthy of releasing for others to enjoy, items you are not negotiating on and will be keeping regardless of others thoughts, and things that you just aren't sure about. 

And so, what starts as a box of items gets spread out on the dining table and the sort begins.  Garbage, recycling, donation, keep for sure, unsure, and LET IT GO!  Garbage bag, recycling bag, donation box, keep and put away, and the box of unsure.  In the last 4 boxes I've sorted, I can honestly say I've recycled three of those boxes, and have one mashed up box of items to sort through in the summer time.  I like to give myself some time with my items in this box, as some of them inevitably are seasonal. 

In the process of all of this, I've found my voice.  I speak up.  I kindly speak the truth for myself.  I am ok saying, I see your point, however I do not agree with it.  I am learning that sometimes you just need to do it yourself, while other times help is so warranted and appreciated. 

I am seriously proud of the work I've done on the new place I'm in.  I am seriously proud of what I've learned about myself in the process.  I know that I am a piler.  I pile things and then get the urge to get the pile handled and spend half an afternoon doing just that.  Then I move on.  I have learned that if I put these piles into bags or boxes they can add up over time and can overwhelm the best of us.  I am not a hoarder. Instead I have items from my past that I am unsure of what to do with, neatly boxed up, and when I am ready to release those items, I do so with gusto. 

I can spend a Saturday afternoon ripping every single possession out of a room, putting it in the hallway, sweeping and dusting and scrubbing the room, and then only putting back that which actually serves a useful purpose into that room.  I trash, recycle, or donate what is no longer necessary, put a few items that I'd like to move to another room into a pile and move them there, and then take stock of what is left over. 

Those left overs I am getting better with.  Some will go into drawers for future things - crafts, handy-man needs etc.  Some will become my next relaxing project - stitch work, scrap book, photo framing, painting.  Some will simply go into the garbage, because in the last 5 years I haven't yet used it, so why am I going to suddenly use it now?  And still others become gifts or lenders that you don't expect to see again -"Universal Borrow" items.

In the end, the room gets much cleaner and tidier, the energy flow is intensely improved and often the room itself feels brighter.  It's a lot of work sometimes.  Other times you don't notice it so much.

I'm almost there with the bedrooms.  I know that what is in the kitchen is actually in use regularly and am happy with that.  The dining room and living room are next on the evaluate and release.  the bedrooms will require another concentrated weekend of time to complete.  The living room and dining room a weekend or two for sure.  Then, the basement will get it's due time.

It is where the remainder of the boxes and bags of stuff from the move currently reside.  Through this process, I have learned and am much more aware of my own needs, desires and wants and how to articulate those things to others.  It is truly a lovely thing to finally understand how to value yourself and present that value to others.