Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Power of Exercise

Yesterday I had a day.  That kind of day when I was frustrated, depressed, angry, tired and wanting to do nothing more than curl up under the covers and stay there.

Instead, when I got home from work - and a gloomy day at that - and began to realize that this feeling has been happening with much more regularity that I care to admit, I did something a little different.  Despite every single cell in my body, and brain protesting mightily, I got my gym clothes together, my shoes, and my iPOD, and drove my butt to the YMCA I am a member of - a stone's throw from home.

I didn't work out hard, or overly long.  I did work out. 

Hopped on an elliptical machine for a warm up....and realized that if I could run without impact, I'm a pretty fair paced runner!  Then I took my workout book, built from a previous attempt last year to get into the swing of being a regular gym bunny, and completed the first workout in the book.

I wasn't screaming tired when I was done.  I wasn't sore.  I can definitely up the weight used on the exercises.  And you know what, that wasn't the point.  They say, when you are feeling depressed, and tired, and angry, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move your body.  It produces a whole bunch of good endorphins that help combat all the things I was feeling yesterday, and several days before that even.  And so, I went to the gym.  First day in a while that I've done that.  I didn't care how long I was there.  My goal was to go, and complete the first workout in my listing. 

I met that goal.  If felt great.  I slept great.  I feel better today for having accomplished that one tiny goal.  And so, I say to myself of yesterday, we've found a solution. 

Now, the next goal is to go again tonight.  No matter the time.  No matter the feeling.  I am to check into the gym, get on an elliptical machine for a warm up, and then hit every single one of the exercises in workout 2. 

Why am I going tonight again?  Because I have a pretty volunteer heavy week beginning Thursday.  I curl in the evening - 2 games.  Then I'm spending the next three days at the curling club as part of the host committee for a competition.  The next time I'll be able to hit the gym will be Sunday. 

I am not setting a routine yet.  I am going to make sure I schedule myself into the gym on evenings when I am not curling or volunteering, so I can stave off these depressed feelings.  In the end, one day at a time, I will also be transforming my body and lifestyle...but shhhh...don't tell my brain that!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I'm Done Being an Adult... least for the next couple of days anyways.  I've learned recently that I'm facing a bout of depression.  Life is hard.  It's handing out all sorts of nonsense lately, and I'm tired.  I'm not talking the tired you get from missing an hour or two of sleep.  I'm not talking the tired you get when you've had a good run of fabulous days and you realize life is amazing.

I'm talking about the tired that seeps into your bones slowly, over time.  I'm talking about the tired that comes from tiny little chips of life and a build-up of junk that chips away at the sunshine that is your core.  I'm talking about the tired that comes with wanting nothing more than to lay about without dressing, maybe without bathing, barely eating, talking to nobody, and wanting nothing more than to get off the ride called life.  The tired that comes when depression sneaks up on you, gives you a bear-hug that feels comforting at first and then begins to be all-consuming.

That is the tired I am right now. 

I want off the ride.  I want to stop the merry-go-round of life because I don't want to be the adult anymore.  I'm tired of being the one everyone turns to for everything, only to learn that the exact moment I need some of that myself, there is nobody there.  I'm tired of feeling lonely but not alone.  I'm tired of having to be the one that does everything because co-workers "just can't figure it out", or partners "just are good at it like you are".  I'm tired. 

And, to be honest, angry at the same time.  Angry that I've allowed others to steal my energy.  Angry that I've allowed myself to let it go without saying NO!  Angry that I'm always the one there for everyone, and when I need people, they can't get out of their own heads long enough to see that I'm begging for help without subtle signs, without "beating around a bush".  Tired of being the one to have the ideas, and the energy to do things, and yet not.  Tired and ANGRY of being the one that gets dumped on with everything because "that's my part of the relationship". 

I run into this monster called depression every so often.  I'm really good at keeping it at bay, most of the time.  This one feels different though.  It feels like it's routed deep.  It also feels like it's rooted in the need for change and being scared of that change at the same time. 

Sometimes this gets fixed with a few days away to allow my mind to be free of the life I have currently.  Sometimes it's fixed by simply reading at the end of my day instead of rushing around to do the 14 things I've promised for others, when those others can't even remember that they need to get done.  More often, this goes away when I make the change I've so long put aside hoping the situation would just correct itself. 

Yep - they are hard changes.  And no, I can't "just make them" without drastically affecting other aspects of my life that I'm working on.

The point is...I'm tired in a way that won't immediately correct itself, and it's time for a lot of inner life reflection.  It is truly the only way this will clear up. 

In other news, I grew tired of my bathroom the other day and did something to help with the depression that has been seeping in.  I wen tout, grabbed a gift card I had yet to use, bought a new shower curtain, and liner, floor mat, and a set of towels, cleaned the bathroom top to bottom - in the gritty, sweaty, scrub everything with elbow grease kind of way - and helped myself begin to feel better.  Some of what I'm feeling is because I need to remove from my life that which no longer serves me.  I started with a portion of the bathroom that was making my skin crawl in a way I wasn't aware of until this weekend.  I have the storage area yet to cull, however, this one change has had quite an intense reaction.

Life is going to go through ups and downs.  Right now, I feel like I'm barely hanging onto the trailing line of the boat.  I'll be spending more time pulling myself up that trailing line, until I feel like I'm captaining my ship again.