Hi all.
I wanted to let you know I'm taking a much needed break from blogging for a little while. This past weekend I sat at my family home with my grandmother, mother, and sister, and watched as my grandfather passed away.
It is the hardest thing I've had to witness. He's been falling steadily since May 17 - the day he found out the cancer was inoperable - and finally succumbed to the pain and the disease.
I'll be away for some time, to grieve, to cry, to reset myself and my journey. There are many things in the future that I will be sad that he'll have missed. Most of all I'm really sad that he's gone.
He is my measuring stick. I knew I'd really done well when he said so.
While I'm here I want to pass on a message to all of my mail readers - no matter your age. You've been trained to be less forthcoming with emotions. The reason I say this is, during 60 years of marriage between my grandparents, there were many tough times in between the beginning and end. At the end it took the realization that death was very close for things to be said to my grandmother. I watched as every passing minute he wanted her by his side. He wouldn't settle down and let the pain medications help him when she was out of the room. For three weeks, my grandmother was sitting in one room, so that he would stay calm and not try to do things beyond his capabilities at that time.
He told her he loved her as often as he could get the words out. He hallucinated dates between them, him cooking her dinner, taking her places. Things he hadn't done in years for her. He apologized for being so neglectful of all that she did for him, of telling her he loved her, of doing the little things that keep a marriage going and making your woman feel your love. In the end we found a list of items he was supposed to do:
1) Don't bow top
2) Ask out occasionally
3) Buy flowers or gifts sometimes
4) Help out with laundry and dishes
There were other things, but those were the most important things for everyone I think. At the end nobody could calm him, or make him feel safe except his wife. There were many things he tried to say at the end, but with the absence of sound, those will go with him on his new journey. We're just glad he finally told my grandmother how much she really did mean to him.
Please do not wait until the end of your life to say these things to your loved ones. We all do things that aggrevate and frustrate each other. The important thing in all of that is that you know that no matter what your significant other does or doesn't do, in the end it is important to remember how you feel about them and how you would feel if they were suddenly removed from earth.
Also, take a moment to really think about the way things are, and what you say to that person. If they were gone (as in not living) today, would you have done everything you wanted with them, said everything you needed to say to them, have enough pictures of the good times with them, and enough experiences with them to last you a lifetime of memories when they pass?
If you answered no, then now is the time to do these things. Working all the time is not an excuse for neglecting to live a life with the people in yours. Pick up after yourself. Stop being lazy with things. When you say you'll do something do it. Because people will remember when you don't.
My sister will be dealing with a lot of demons because she didn't get home before Friday (he passed Sunday morning at 2:50am). And many other things that have happened in the very recent past that she won't be able to atone for.
We will move forward with life, it just won't be as full as before.
To everyone - I hope that you take the time to spend moments with your immediate and extended family. While you didn't choose them, they choose to make you. While they may be frustrating, life without them is more frustrating, more painful, more hurtful, and you spend more time being envious of others that have a complete family.
Enjoy your Canada weekend, and your Fourth of July weekend. I'll be spending it remembering thins about my grandfather, helping my mom and grandmother deal with the house and everything legal/financial that happens now, and wishing I could rewind the year and do a few things a little differently. It is also my 5 year anniversary with le man.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Just a small post
Hi All!
Just a small post. I'm on training for the next three days, so I won't be posting much. Also - there are some really good questions form some commentors, that I'll be addressing when I've got my head int he game a little more in a few days.
Thanks for all the well wishes as well.
Just a small post. I'm on training for the next three days, so I won't be posting much. Also - there are some really good questions form some commentors, that I'll be addressing when I've got my head int he game a little more in a few days.
Thanks for all the well wishes as well.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Pay Day Revisited
With all the stuff going on in my life, I totally forgot to deposit my paycheck last week!
Now I have my entire paycheck sitting in my account. It looks nice. This is the first time in 6 months I haven't immediately transferred money to my debt. And ya know what? I'm not going to this time.
Knowing that I have a $2,000 minimum in my account, to wave bank fees, I thought long and hard about this. I've made a decent payment to my debt last paycheck. This time, with everything going on, I want to leave some sort of buffer in my account. Yes I still have my goal to get out of debt by the end of the year. But I want to know that if I have to start driving an hour to see my family and an hour back home that I have some sort of cushion kicking around.
And given that this is truly a life emergency, I want to know that I'm not going to screw up my money terribly by not having anything and having to use my credit card. So, I may take a little hit to the debt repayment plan now, but the idea is to leave this check and most of the next check in the bank to buffer the account.
Good things that come from this are:
1) I have money to use when I need it for this portion of life.
2) I'll have money for later to dump directly onto my debt.
3) I'll have more peace of mind, knowing that I wont' be playing the "I have no money therefore I can't go home" card.
So, for this payday, I'm content to leave my check alone in my account.
Now I have my entire paycheck sitting in my account. It looks nice. This is the first time in 6 months I haven't immediately transferred money to my debt. And ya know what? I'm not going to this time.
Knowing that I have a $2,000 minimum in my account, to wave bank fees, I thought long and hard about this. I've made a decent payment to my debt last paycheck. This time, with everything going on, I want to leave some sort of buffer in my account. Yes I still have my goal to get out of debt by the end of the year. But I want to know that if I have to start driving an hour to see my family and an hour back home that I have some sort of cushion kicking around.
And given that this is truly a life emergency, I want to know that I'm not going to screw up my money terribly by not having anything and having to use my credit card. So, I may take a little hit to the debt repayment plan now, but the idea is to leave this check and most of the next check in the bank to buffer the account.
Good things that come from this are:
1) I have money to use when I need it for this portion of life.
2) I'll have money for later to dump directly onto my debt.
3) I'll have more peace of mind, knowing that I wont' be playing the "I have no money therefore I can't go home" card.
So, for this payday, I'm content to leave my check alone in my account.
Monday, June 20, 2011
60 Years of Marriage
When you are born, people coo over you, and love how cute you are, that you are brand new and so tiny. They don't see the endless diapers, and the spit up and the constant feeding and pooping. They don't see that the parents don't sleep and are up every 2 hours with the baby. They aren't there for the 15th diaper, the 14th changing, the noises, the issues or the weeks without sleep.
The same happens when you die.
The difference? You aren't brand new anymore. You can talk - most of the time. You had speech, facial recognition, the ability to move and do things on your own. You knew what day it is, what time it is, where you are. You knew that medication makes you loopy sometimes so the man standing in the room really isn't there, or that there are no pulleys moving your legs for you. You knew your loved ones - wives and husbands, daughters and sons, granddaughters and grandsons, and great-grand children if you were lucky. You had friends and activities to keep you busy and entertained as you moved through life. You traveled to exotic places, and knew the difference between each. Your letter stayed on the pages you wrote them on and didn't get lost on the covers of the bed you are laying in.
I've heard it said that death is just as miraculous and birth. I think this is true. For the few moments you get when the person dying is cognisant of everything going on, aware of who is with them and completely lucid for the conversation you are having. The little things mean so much more when you know you don't have much time left. When you are born, you learn all kinds of new things. When you die, you learn to let go of all kinds of things. For those present as you go, it is both a blessing and challenge.
This weekend was one of those that I will remember for many years to come. The reason? I'm only 32, and I have much of my life still to live. the other? Because my grandfather turned to my grandmother and truly thanked her for being there with him while he slowly slips away. He told her he's lucky to have her, and so happy that she didn't leave him many years ago when he'd given her every reason to. She said they are lucky to have my mother and me. They both said so in front of both my mother and I while we were eating dinner in their bedroom. I said we are all lucky to have each other. My grandfather expressed that he thought this was a very wise statement.
I spent this weekend at home, sitting with him while the pills made him see things that weren't there. Tried my best to contort the "2x4's" and line them up so he could match up angles and build something (he never told me what). It got difficult because the 2x4's were my legs, and a person just can't bend that way! He wanted my knees to bend backwards so they made 90 degree angles...and no I couldn't turn over to do that for him, the size of the boards wasn't right.
He contemplated aloud ways to not miss my grandmother when she left the room, and remarked that she didn't have to be alive to keep him company, she just had to be in the room. Which we thought was pretty hilarious - as he was breaking through the drug haze enough to realize he was being weird and that she didn't have to treat him like a 2 year old all the time or be quick on the draw with some comebacks when he clearly wasn't. (It was a "you had to be there" moment.)
Today a hospital bed has been ordered to be installed in his bedroom as he can't get out of bed anymore. The drugs are being changed because they aren't keeping the pain away and the side effects aren't supposed to be as extreme as they are.
I'm glad I've been home the last two weekends. He's gone from being able to move around the house and get dressed, working on his Sudoku and cross word puzzles, and ordering meals for himself and enjoying them at the dining table. To being confined to the bedroom, barely able to get out of bed and shuffle with his new off-roading walker to the bathroom to change his shorts and pads, eating half what he did the week before, not knowing what day, what time of day, and sometimes forgetting who I am and who my mom is all the time.
He was tired when I left him yesterday, after dinner, and after having it out with my sister because she still hasn't been home to see him. But he was still able to get out of bed to get changed, and empty his external bladder (there's a fancy name for that but I don't remember). Last night he screamed in pain when he got back into bed. He barely slept, which meant my mother and grandmother barely slept, and now he can't get out of bed at all. The doctors are changing his medications, and the bed-ridden portion of his passage begins. I don't know if he'll even know me when I get home again next weekend, so I'll probably stop in at least one night this week.
It's taking him faster than I was ready for, but I'm glad he won't have to suffer too long with this. It's been a steady decline since my sister's wedding.
After telling her on the phone that he wants to see her, that he doesn't know why she hasn't come round earlier, and that he hopes she comes at her earliest convenience, I think he's finally given up holding out for her to get her head out of her own ass. He hopes one day it'll click with her that she has been very selfish, and been using them for years. But he doubts that will happen while he's alive.
I cry a lot now, because I'll miss him so very much when he's gone. I cry because she's a tool. I cry because we had to force her to have him walk her down the aisle, which is something I've always wanted, and will never get. I cry because I let an opportunity to have some family pictures of my mother with my grandparents, and I with my grandparents slip by. I cry because he's always been the one I've measured things against. I'm happy when my grandmother and mother are proud of me, but it's always meant that much more when he's proud of me. He's always been a man of few words, so when you get things like that from him, it's special. I've not completed my degree yet, and the day i do I won't have them all to hug and cry with after Convocating. I'll be missing that one person that makes me know I've done good.
Watching someone die is just as miraculous as watching birth and growth of a child. It's just that it's done with more tears and more thoughts of future events without that person.
He is the one man that has always loved me unconditionally. And I'm about to lose him.
The same happens when you die.
The difference? You aren't brand new anymore. You can talk - most of the time. You had speech, facial recognition, the ability to move and do things on your own. You knew what day it is, what time it is, where you are. You knew that medication makes you loopy sometimes so the man standing in the room really isn't there, or that there are no pulleys moving your legs for you. You knew your loved ones - wives and husbands, daughters and sons, granddaughters and grandsons, and great-grand children if you were lucky. You had friends and activities to keep you busy and entertained as you moved through life. You traveled to exotic places, and knew the difference between each. Your letter stayed on the pages you wrote them on and didn't get lost on the covers of the bed you are laying in.
I've heard it said that death is just as miraculous and birth. I think this is true. For the few moments you get when the person dying is cognisant of everything going on, aware of who is with them and completely lucid for the conversation you are having. The little things mean so much more when you know you don't have much time left. When you are born, you learn all kinds of new things. When you die, you learn to let go of all kinds of things. For those present as you go, it is both a blessing and challenge.
This weekend was one of those that I will remember for many years to come. The reason? I'm only 32, and I have much of my life still to live. the other? Because my grandfather turned to my grandmother and truly thanked her for being there with him while he slowly slips away. He told her he's lucky to have her, and so happy that she didn't leave him many years ago when he'd given her every reason to. She said they are lucky to have my mother and me. They both said so in front of both my mother and I while we were eating dinner in their bedroom. I said we are all lucky to have each other. My grandfather expressed that he thought this was a very wise statement.
I spent this weekend at home, sitting with him while the pills made him see things that weren't there. Tried my best to contort the "2x4's" and line them up so he could match up angles and build something (he never told me what). It got difficult because the 2x4's were my legs, and a person just can't bend that way! He wanted my knees to bend backwards so they made 90 degree angles...and no I couldn't turn over to do that for him, the size of the boards wasn't right.
He contemplated aloud ways to not miss my grandmother when she left the room, and remarked that she didn't have to be alive to keep him company, she just had to be in the room. Which we thought was pretty hilarious - as he was breaking through the drug haze enough to realize he was being weird and that she didn't have to treat him like a 2 year old all the time or be quick on the draw with some comebacks when he clearly wasn't. (It was a "you had to be there" moment.)
Today a hospital bed has been ordered to be installed in his bedroom as he can't get out of bed anymore. The drugs are being changed because they aren't keeping the pain away and the side effects aren't supposed to be as extreme as they are.
I'm glad I've been home the last two weekends. He's gone from being able to move around the house and get dressed, working on his Sudoku and cross word puzzles, and ordering meals for himself and enjoying them at the dining table. To being confined to the bedroom, barely able to get out of bed and shuffle with his new off-roading walker to the bathroom to change his shorts and pads, eating half what he did the week before, not knowing what day, what time of day, and sometimes forgetting who I am and who my mom is all the time.
He was tired when I left him yesterday, after dinner, and after having it out with my sister because she still hasn't been home to see him. But he was still able to get out of bed to get changed, and empty his external bladder (there's a fancy name for that but I don't remember). Last night he screamed in pain when he got back into bed. He barely slept, which meant my mother and grandmother barely slept, and now he can't get out of bed at all. The doctors are changing his medications, and the bed-ridden portion of his passage begins. I don't know if he'll even know me when I get home again next weekend, so I'll probably stop in at least one night this week.
It's taking him faster than I was ready for, but I'm glad he won't have to suffer too long with this. It's been a steady decline since my sister's wedding.
After telling her on the phone that he wants to see her, that he doesn't know why she hasn't come round earlier, and that he hopes she comes at her earliest convenience, I think he's finally given up holding out for her to get her head out of her own ass. He hopes one day it'll click with her that she has been very selfish, and been using them for years. But he doubts that will happen while he's alive.
I cry a lot now, because I'll miss him so very much when he's gone. I cry because she's a tool. I cry because we had to force her to have him walk her down the aisle, which is something I've always wanted, and will never get. I cry because I let an opportunity to have some family pictures of my mother with my grandparents, and I with my grandparents slip by. I cry because he's always been the one I've measured things against. I'm happy when my grandmother and mother are proud of me, but it's always meant that much more when he's proud of me. He's always been a man of few words, so when you get things like that from him, it's special. I've not completed my degree yet, and the day i do I won't have them all to hug and cry with after Convocating. I'll be missing that one person that makes me know I've done good.
Watching someone die is just as miraculous as watching birth and growth of a child. It's just that it's done with more tears and more thoughts of future events without that person.
He is the one man that has always loved me unconditionally. And I'm about to lose him.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday is PayDay but....
Today is Thursday. Today is payday....but....I don't feel like dealing with expenses and payments and what not right now. I woke up this morning with intentions to bring with me something I need to start paying attention to in a real hurry. Problem is I forgot it at home.
Than I got a second notice of a payment I was fairly certain I had already made - but I can't quite recall my username and password to sign into my account - it too is at home. It's one of those days that I would have liked to have been able to stay at home and deal with other aspects of my life. I could have completed my financial stuff, checked on the payment of that invoice, and read at least 2 more chapters of stuff for the class I'm taking. I love the class - I'm just not happy with having to read all 25 chapters of stuff in this text before my exam at the end, and before I can effectively answer the discussion questions and complete my work. It's a bunch of reading that at times is repetition from previous classes.
Other than that I've managed to pick up my missing documents (I just got back from picking up a few checks for work and had to drive by my place anyways). So I feel better about being able to straighten a few things out.
Hope your Thursday is going well!
Than I got a second notice of a payment I was fairly certain I had already made - but I can't quite recall my username and password to sign into my account - it too is at home. It's one of those days that I would have liked to have been able to stay at home and deal with other aspects of my life. I could have completed my financial stuff, checked on the payment of that invoice, and read at least 2 more chapters of stuff for the class I'm taking. I love the class - I'm just not happy with having to read all 25 chapters of stuff in this text before my exam at the end, and before I can effectively answer the discussion questions and complete my work. It's a bunch of reading that at times is repetition from previous classes.
Other than that I've managed to pick up my missing documents (I just got back from picking up a few checks for work and had to drive by my place anyways). So I feel better about being able to straighten a few things out.
Hope your Thursday is going well!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Workout Wednesday
Tuesday i biked to work and home again. The good thing about biking to work is that half the ride is downhill, and on my hybrid (mountain bike frame, street wheels) I get moving at quite a clip. The bad thing about half the ride to work being downhill is that after work you have to ride all of that up hill.
Oy my legs! It wasn't bad enough that I twanged a hamstring and calf muscle painting the kitchen for my mom, but now my quads and the rest of those muscles are quite tired!
Riding to work this morning I noticed that while I really like the muscles toning up and the body sweating like it should each day, they huuu-uuurrr-urrrrtttt!!
Alas, a small price to pay to have great legs!!
After work today Ill be jumping in my car and toting off to my massage therapist - for some much needed relaxation! Better believe she'll be working on my legs a little to help the healing and recovery. She'll also be working out the stress in my back and shoulders.
I tried to read some of my text for class after my shower when I got home from work yesterday and found myself being awoken by le man as I'd fallen asleep for a wee nap. I was out about an hour from what I figure. An interesting side effect from exercising, and a much needed one as sleep hasn't been great as of late.
So, I'm in for a few days of riding a bike, and a few more of nappy time and restful sleep. Getting myself tired each day will help combat the thinking that happens when things are quiet and dusky.
I think it's a lovely balance for life right now.
Oy my legs! It wasn't bad enough that I twanged a hamstring and calf muscle painting the kitchen for my mom, but now my quads and the rest of those muscles are quite tired!
Riding to work this morning I noticed that while I really like the muscles toning up and the body sweating like it should each day, they huuu-uuurrr-urrrrtttt!!
Alas, a small price to pay to have great legs!!
After work today Ill be jumping in my car and toting off to my massage therapist - for some much needed relaxation! Better believe she'll be working on my legs a little to help the healing and recovery. She'll also be working out the stress in my back and shoulders.
I tried to read some of my text for class after my shower when I got home from work yesterday and found myself being awoken by le man as I'd fallen asleep for a wee nap. I was out about an hour from what I figure. An interesting side effect from exercising, and a much needed one as sleep hasn't been great as of late.
So, I'm in for a few days of riding a bike, and a few more of nappy time and restful sleep. Getting myself tired each day will help combat the thinking that happens when things are quiet and dusky.
I think it's a lovely balance for life right now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Good News Tuesday
Today I rode my bicycle to work. First time this year. Temperature was perfect. My legs are tired. And I feel alive this morning.
And - other than having to get out of bed early (read instead of lying there hitting snooze twice and listening to music/morning radio program while floating on the edge of awake and asleep) it went great!
I took my face washing stuff, and amenities with which to freshen up at work, a change of clothing - to gt out of the sweaty items and let them dry out before going home tonight.
I feel more awake this morning and less like a zombie. I feel like I can start the day with a positive outlook, instead of the feeling of having to wind myself up for the day.
Last night I went and met two girlfriends and their significants (one husband, one fiance), and le man came too. We did hor's d'oeuvres at Bston Pizza, then busted a gut watching Bridesmaids! Lemme tell ya! That movie = female version of the hangover. It's also a little raunchy, but so friggin' hilarious, and exactly what I needed to get my mind off things.
One of the girls that came out is preggo with her second, and the other just lost her Dad (passed away) two weeks ago. We all needed a really good laugh I think.
Life can be difficult but last night reminded me that there are things that can make it feel better. And this morning reminded me that I life the feeling of alive, invigorated, and rejuvenated.
Plus I chased birds, raced a lawn cutting machine, smelled some gorgeous flowers, decided I really don't like the smell of fresh cut grass, and that I should learn to ride with my mouth closed a little more. I ate some pretty interesting protein sources this morning - not exactly by choice!
Here's to a good Tuesday morning!
I hope yours is beginning well!!
And - other than having to get out of bed early (read instead of lying there hitting snooze twice and listening to music/morning radio program while floating on the edge of awake and asleep) it went great!
I took my face washing stuff, and amenities with which to freshen up at work, a change of clothing - to gt out of the sweaty items and let them dry out before going home tonight.
I feel more awake this morning and less like a zombie. I feel like I can start the day with a positive outlook, instead of the feeling of having to wind myself up for the day.
Last night I went and met two girlfriends and their significants (one husband, one fiance), and le man came too. We did hor's d'oeuvres at Bston Pizza, then busted a gut watching Bridesmaids! Lemme tell ya! That movie = female version of the hangover. It's also a little raunchy, but so friggin' hilarious, and exactly what I needed to get my mind off things.
One of the girls that came out is preggo with her second, and the other just lost her Dad (passed away) two weeks ago. We all needed a really good laugh I think.
Life can be difficult but last night reminded me that there are things that can make it feel better. And this morning reminded me that I life the feeling of alive, invigorated, and rejuvenated.
Plus I chased birds, raced a lawn cutting machine, smelled some gorgeous flowers, decided I really don't like the smell of fresh cut grass, and that I should learn to ride with my mouth closed a little more. I ate some pretty interesting protein sources this morning - not exactly by choice!
Here's to a good Tuesday morning!
I hope yours is beginning well!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
A Monday to Start a Week
First, this past weekend was difficult. It will be getting more difficult as we go. Hospice is set up, CCAC is on board. Helpers are in place. Though, there is reluctance on both sides to ask for more help. My grandfather prefers people he knows, and my grandmother prefers to do as much as she can herself because of it. She feels guilty for taking some time for herself or asking for someone to sit with him while she does human thins like have a bath.
She believes that she can't ask for a babysitter to go out to Cirque (her birthday present from me, and his for that matter). So, she's asked me to work it out with my sister that she be home that weekend to sit with him while she goes out. My sister has the nursing experience necessary and her PSW certification to do what is needed while we are out. The trouble is she's playing the money and woo-is-me card, and thus she has to give up her friend's son's first birthday party to sit with my grandfather while I take my mother and my grandmother to Cirque and dinner to have a day out.
Kinda of not impressed that it's still all about her. She's doing two back to back weekends for me at the end of the month, one as her weekend, one because I have to work the weekend. I've got this weekend and next weekend, two weeks off then three weekends straight on. I need two weekends to study for my final exam and her to sit for a few hours while I get everyone out for a much needed night away.
Then I"ll be going home for probably the rest of the weekends. Until he has to go to the hospice, or he passes away. I'm contemplating taking a medical leave of absence for some time later.
I can say the difference between being home now and being home a month ago are astounding. I'm glad we had the financial talk before the medication was involved. I saw two good days and one bad day. No memory. Frustration because things don't look the same and because he wants to get rid of the tool bar and the open/minimize/close buttons on the explorer page because he thinks I've put in security measures and couldn't understand why they couldn't just not be there. Maybe next weekend he'll be able to understand things. But we know we can't change things. He doesn't remember well now, and he hallucinates other things. Drugs are necessary because the cancer is in-operable, and chemo is not an option. He had radiation 10 years ago and now can't do it again.
He can't walk on his own - he needs a cane for now - but if he falls and breaks anything then that's the end. He'll be in a hospital until he dies then. He wants to be at home until he can't be there anymore.
It's getting harder on my grandmother and mother. Me being home for a weekend means they get a hand doing the regular household chores, and that they can do little things like read a book without having to worry about him wandering to find someone. They can have a bath and actually relax while doing so.
This is going to be hard. It's going to be harder as we go. So for now I'll be starting to really pay attention to the financial stuff. I need to get a handle before I haven't the ability to talk to my grandfather about it.
This is going to be a long day, filled with many things, and I need to get a little more regimented on my schedule so I can get my studying in, the financial stuff learned and all of my own stuff handled before the weekend.
She believes that she can't ask for a babysitter to go out to Cirque (her birthday present from me, and his for that matter). So, she's asked me to work it out with my sister that she be home that weekend to sit with him while she goes out. My sister has the nursing experience necessary and her PSW certification to do what is needed while we are out. The trouble is she's playing the money and woo-is-me card, and thus she has to give up her friend's son's first birthday party to sit with my grandfather while I take my mother and my grandmother to Cirque and dinner to have a day out.
Kinda of not impressed that it's still all about her. She's doing two back to back weekends for me at the end of the month, one as her weekend, one because I have to work the weekend. I've got this weekend and next weekend, two weeks off then three weekends straight on. I need two weekends to study for my final exam and her to sit for a few hours while I get everyone out for a much needed night away.
Then I"ll be going home for probably the rest of the weekends. Until he has to go to the hospice, or he passes away. I'm contemplating taking a medical leave of absence for some time later.
I can say the difference between being home now and being home a month ago are astounding. I'm glad we had the financial talk before the medication was involved. I saw two good days and one bad day. No memory. Frustration because things don't look the same and because he wants to get rid of the tool bar and the open/minimize/close buttons on the explorer page because he thinks I've put in security measures and couldn't understand why they couldn't just not be there. Maybe next weekend he'll be able to understand things. But we know we can't change things. He doesn't remember well now, and he hallucinates other things. Drugs are necessary because the cancer is in-operable, and chemo is not an option. He had radiation 10 years ago and now can't do it again.
He can't walk on his own - he needs a cane for now - but if he falls and breaks anything then that's the end. He'll be in a hospital until he dies then. He wants to be at home until he can't be there anymore.
It's getting harder on my grandmother and mother. Me being home for a weekend means they get a hand doing the regular household chores, and that they can do little things like read a book without having to worry about him wandering to find someone. They can have a bath and actually relax while doing so.
This is going to be hard. It's going to be harder as we go. So for now I'll be starting to really pay attention to the financial stuff. I need to get a handle before I haven't the ability to talk to my grandfather about it.
This is going to be a long day, filled with many things, and I need to get a little more regimented on my schedule so I can get my studying in, the financial stuff learned and all of my own stuff handled before the weekend.
Friday, June 10, 2011
When There's an Illness in the Family
In April the health of my grandfather began to deteriorate. We've been through countless doctors. He's on some pretty serious pain killers. What people very rarely actually look at when there's a terminal illness in the family, is the cost to the caregivers.
My mom works full time. My grandmother has been raising children for two generations (my mom and siblings, and me and my sister.) Now with my grandfather's illness and the side effects of the medication, she's basically caring for a grown invalid child. And it's beginning to wear on her. My grandfather was diagnosed with a form of cancer 12 years ago. We've been through stuff ever 4 years since. This is the 4.5 year mark - when the cancer rears it's ugly head in another part of the body. He's run out of parts to remove. He's running out of treatment options.
What happens now is going to be an emotional and financial strain on all of us. 4 women. 1 working full time. 1 living with it full time. 2 subs for a few days on a weekend.
My mom needs us to come home every other weekend, on a rotating basis between me (scientific minded but not a nurse) and my sister (nurse by schooling and training, but no actual papers). My sister calls me the other day and says... "Ummmm..... I need you to handle June because I have plans I don't want to cancel and I'll look after a few weekends later....but this is going to get really expensive if I have to come home every other weekend....so....I think we need to figure something out....."
We being her and I. Expensive meaning she has to find/rent wheels to come home because she doesn't have any of her own, and also because she's the only one working.
I see. It's expensive to come home to help your family out when your grandfather is dying, but it's not expensive to ask those same people for a loan forgiveness on the money you owed them, or expect they'd pay for your wedding when you don't want any of their input, or want them involved with things like picking out your dress, or throwing a party for you, or handling the flowers, and it's too much to ask that you involve them in any other way.
Emotional toll - my grandmother is basically at her breaking point, and mom's using as much of her stored vacation as she can to be home when she can and still be effective at work. How do you put a number on the emotional toll?
The only way you can is to hire an in-home care nurse and use the province average in wages for one, to accommodate for the full time care given by a loved one in this situation. A 24-hour a day job, oft times requiring equal parts nurse, support worker, wife, and home-care provider (like that of a babysitter working out of her home).
Looks like life is going to get more stressful for everyone.
My mom works full time. My grandmother has been raising children for two generations (my mom and siblings, and me and my sister.) Now with my grandfather's illness and the side effects of the medication, she's basically caring for a grown invalid child. And it's beginning to wear on her. My grandfather was diagnosed with a form of cancer 12 years ago. We've been through stuff ever 4 years since. This is the 4.5 year mark - when the cancer rears it's ugly head in another part of the body. He's run out of parts to remove. He's running out of treatment options.
What happens now is going to be an emotional and financial strain on all of us. 4 women. 1 working full time. 1 living with it full time. 2 subs for a few days on a weekend.
My mom needs us to come home every other weekend, on a rotating basis between me (scientific minded but not a nurse) and my sister (nurse by schooling and training, but no actual papers). My sister calls me the other day and says... "Ummmm..... I need you to handle June because I have plans I don't want to cancel and I'll look after a few weekends later....but this is going to get really expensive if I have to come home every other weekend....so....I think we need to figure something out....."
We being her and I. Expensive meaning she has to find/rent wheels to come home because she doesn't have any of her own, and also because she's the only one working.
I see. It's expensive to come home to help your family out when your grandfather is dying, but it's not expensive to ask those same people for a loan forgiveness on the money you owed them, or expect they'd pay for your wedding when you don't want any of their input, or want them involved with things like picking out your dress, or throwing a party for you, or handling the flowers, and it's too much to ask that you involve them in any other way.
Emotional toll - my grandmother is basically at her breaking point, and mom's using as much of her stored vacation as she can to be home when she can and still be effective at work. How do you put a number on the emotional toll?
The only way you can is to hire an in-home care nurse and use the province average in wages for one, to accommodate for the full time care given by a loved one in this situation. A 24-hour a day job, oft times requiring equal parts nurse, support worker, wife, and home-care provider (like that of a babysitter working out of her home).
Looks like life is going to get more stressful for everyone.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Entertaining Myself Wisely
Reading yesterday's comments were quite inspiring to me. Out of My Window made a good point - getting out of debt and losing weight are hard to do together.
So hard in fact, part of the debt I'm paying off right now is from the last time i tried to do them both together. It was definitely an overload on my system. So, I had a thought.
Since I'd like to make next year all about making myself svelt, toned, and looking like the million dollars I'd like to have, I have to take it one baby step at a time. Like with my debt, I took from August to December to get myself set up to get this journey to debt freedom ready to roll for January. I started with small things I could do then to start the ball rolling and build up my behaviors in a good way.
I can apply that same technique with my pending weight loss journey.
First I need to rethink a few things. For example: ENTERTAINMENT
The ways in which we entertain ourselves can be quite telling on our lives. I'll admit, most days I love nothing more than to shut myself up on a couch in front of a tv armed with reruns of my favourite shows and a pile of movies I could watch over and over again. Couple that with the few things I do on line and voila, makings of a couch potato.
Entertainment - when on a budget - needs to be things you like to do that don't cost much money at all and will keep you going until you've gotten yourself out of debt. So far so good. if I take that one step farther, I can find ample amounts of things to do with the stuff I already own. If I like to be in front of a tv, why not pop in one of the 4 types of workout videos I have and move my body? If I like ot wander a mall and window shop for items, watch for sales and make better use of hte little money I do have for clothing and gifts, then I could surely stop being so lazy and walk my butt to the mall...it's only 3km from the apartment!
I like to visit people, or places, or get in the car and drive sometimes...why not put on my helmet, and peddle my way around this new town, get to the coffee shop for a treat, or visit people? it doesn't cost money to peddle a bicycle. It take sweat equity. It costs money to start the car and go. And means I"m sitting down. Again.
So, when I agree to do things in town, I need to take a better look at ways I can do those things for absolutely no money. Better for my pocket book, and gives me the much needed exercise I have to give my body to make it healthier.
This week I've walked a mall, hopped on my bike and peddled my way to a meeting, and I"ll be painting on the weekend. I can't be exercisey all the time, but I can make better use of what has been staring me in the face for a while.
I learned it will take me just over a half hour to peddle to work. And with the good weather now here, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to peddle to and from work a few days a week. Two bonuses - I get exercise, and I extend the life of the gas in the car. I'll have to take a lunch to work, but that's a minor thing when you think about it.
So, if I don't think about losing weight just yet, but concentrate on things that will save my money, I'll be able to work on both things at the same time. What few pounds I am able to shed, will be like training my body for next year, when I can wholey concentrate on doing something about my weight.
Tonight though - with the storms - it'll be a workout video and then reading my text book to stay up on my class.
So hard in fact, part of the debt I'm paying off right now is from the last time i tried to do them both together. It was definitely an overload on my system. So, I had a thought.
Since I'd like to make next year all about making myself svelt, toned, and looking like the million dollars I'd like to have, I have to take it one baby step at a time. Like with my debt, I took from August to December to get myself set up to get this journey to debt freedom ready to roll for January. I started with small things I could do then to start the ball rolling and build up my behaviors in a good way.
I can apply that same technique with my pending weight loss journey.
First I need to rethink a few things. For example: ENTERTAINMENT
The ways in which we entertain ourselves can be quite telling on our lives. I'll admit, most days I love nothing more than to shut myself up on a couch in front of a tv armed with reruns of my favourite shows and a pile of movies I could watch over and over again. Couple that with the few things I do on line and voila, makings of a couch potato.
Entertainment - when on a budget - needs to be things you like to do that don't cost much money at all and will keep you going until you've gotten yourself out of debt. So far so good. if I take that one step farther, I can find ample amounts of things to do with the stuff I already own. If I like to be in front of a tv, why not pop in one of the 4 types of workout videos I have and move my body? If I like ot wander a mall and window shop for items, watch for sales and make better use of hte little money I do have for clothing and gifts, then I could surely stop being so lazy and walk my butt to the mall...it's only 3km from the apartment!
I like to visit people, or places, or get in the car and drive sometimes...why not put on my helmet, and peddle my way around this new town, get to the coffee shop for a treat, or visit people? it doesn't cost money to peddle a bicycle. It take sweat equity. It costs money to start the car and go. And means I"m sitting down. Again.
So, when I agree to do things in town, I need to take a better look at ways I can do those things for absolutely no money. Better for my pocket book, and gives me the much needed exercise I have to give my body to make it healthier.
This week I've walked a mall, hopped on my bike and peddled my way to a meeting, and I"ll be painting on the weekend. I can't be exercisey all the time, but I can make better use of what has been staring me in the face for a while.
I learned it will take me just over a half hour to peddle to work. And with the good weather now here, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to peddle to and from work a few days a week. Two bonuses - I get exercise, and I extend the life of the gas in the car. I'll have to take a lunch to work, but that's a minor thing when you think about it.
So, if I don't think about losing weight just yet, but concentrate on things that will save my money, I'll be able to work on both things at the same time. What few pounds I am able to shed, will be like training my body for next year, when I can wholey concentrate on doing something about my weight.
Tonight though - with the storms - it'll be a workout video and then reading my text book to stay up on my class.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Wait For Me!
Lately I've been bogged down with a lot of things. Life is getting difficult and it feels like I've got a few too many balls in the air that I'm barely managing to juggle.
In late May I hit a bit of a slump in my attitude and emotions. Things are just a little bit hard right now, and the ever-worsening condition of my Poppa makes me want to get off the life train, and seclude myself with my family until it's over.
I'm still working on getting out of my debt. Though I had to shift my thinking for June just a little. June is Momentum month. As such, I've still working my plan to debt freedom. I've just adjusted a few things for this month. For one, I was operating on a zero balance budget. In that every dollar coming in had something to do and effectively disappeared each month. I had a buffer in my account, that was my emergency fund. Due to the car issues I've had in February and May, this is effectively nill now.
What that means is, literally ever dollar I've been making is marching into a budget category and out of my bank account, leaving about $8 at the end of every month. $8 per month does not an emergency fund make!
So Starting at the beginning of June here's what I've done:
1) Left in my account the check from medical reimbursement, and the check from Mileage. I now have a $400 base balance to maintain.
2) The third paycheck from this month will be $1,629.97. Instead of being transferred to my debt THIS month, I'll be leaving it in my account to top up my base buffer amount to $2,000.
Now if there is another emergency I'll be covered. The goal - obviously - is to not have to use that $2,000. At the end of the year, I'll transfer that $2,000 to my debt. I've deferred a scheduled payment for my debt. I've not derailed my debt repayment.
I fell a little more protected like this, and if all goes well, I'll also have met my minimum balance in my account to stop paying bank fees.
With 7 months left on my timeline goal of DEBT FREEDOM IN 2011, I'm beginning to enjoy the ride. I'm also realizing that I've been trying to pay this particular debt off for 5 years. I just about fell over when I saw this (I keep my paperwork for 7 so I've got enough of a history on this card to watch myself rack it all up, and spin my wheels throwing money at it only to have it keep getting added. This is the part that pains me. I've added up (quickly so it's only ball park) the money I've been throwing onto this particular debt since I really got in trouble, and it's enough that I could have had a sizable downpayment on my own place already. By sizable, I mean probably paid this thing off 5 times over by now. Just goes to show that you really do need to stop using the credit card to get yourself out of debt. And to stop spending more than you make.
I think this may have a little bit to do with how I've been feeling lately. I've been throwing a pity party for myself since about May 24 weekend. So, since it's Momentum month - it's time to stop wallowing in self pity, self loathing and self regret, and time to get this machine in gear to get this done once and for all.
Enough of tossing hard earned dollars effectively down the drain. Heck I think it would have been more fun to be eating that money away, or traveling that money away!
Adjusted a little bit in June, but the end run to Debt Freedom will be such a ride that I'm going to look forward to each day, no matter what it may bring. I'll be debt free in just under 7 months and I can't wait any longer!!
TO be fair though - I've paid off 3 of 4 credit cards, bought and paid for a car, started and stopped a business, cleared my student loans, changed jobs twice, started and failed a weight loss program, made countless dumb mistakes, but had an incredible time doing it, and the real kicker - been to 12 weddings, 14 baby showers, countless wedding showers, been in 3 of those weddings, and visited San Francisco and Reno in that time. (19 wedding total, but 7 were from prior to 5 years ago). I've curled each of those year, and for three also played fastball/slo-pitch. I've moved twice as well.
Lots of stuff - and I've sure I could have been using my money more wisely - but that's why hindsight is 20/20.
So, world I'm not exactly ready to deal with all that is coming my way, but I'm doing my best, taking one day at a time and starting to make some smarter decisions when it come sot my money. For example, last evening I used my free-to-me bicycle to wheel myself to my Gail meeting. About 8.5km in 1/2 hour wasn't too bad for my second ride of the year! I've found 17 swim tickets I paid for 4 years ago that are still good for the pool they were purchased at, so next week I'll start doing laps. I may have paid a huge amount to lose 35 pounds only gain back 28 of them, but it's time to start losing weight and not paying anything more than sweat equity for them.
My plan to begin riding to work and walking to the mall is kicking in. Tonight it'll be walking to the mall I think.
It's time to pick up the momentum!!
In late May I hit a bit of a slump in my attitude and emotions. Things are just a little bit hard right now, and the ever-worsening condition of my Poppa makes me want to get off the life train, and seclude myself with my family until it's over.
I'm still working on getting out of my debt. Though I had to shift my thinking for June just a little. June is Momentum month. As such, I've still working my plan to debt freedom. I've just adjusted a few things for this month. For one, I was operating on a zero balance budget. In that every dollar coming in had something to do and effectively disappeared each month. I had a buffer in my account, that was my emergency fund. Due to the car issues I've had in February and May, this is effectively nill now.
What that means is, literally ever dollar I've been making is marching into a budget category and out of my bank account, leaving about $8 at the end of every month. $8 per month does not an emergency fund make!
So Starting at the beginning of June here's what I've done:
1) Left in my account the check from medical reimbursement, and the check from Mileage. I now have a $400 base balance to maintain.
2) The third paycheck from this month will be $1,629.97. Instead of being transferred to my debt THIS month, I'll be leaving it in my account to top up my base buffer amount to $2,000.
Now if there is another emergency I'll be covered. The goal - obviously - is to not have to use that $2,000. At the end of the year, I'll transfer that $2,000 to my debt. I've deferred a scheduled payment for my debt. I've not derailed my debt repayment.
I fell a little more protected like this, and if all goes well, I'll also have met my minimum balance in my account to stop paying bank fees.
With 7 months left on my timeline goal of DEBT FREEDOM IN 2011, I'm beginning to enjoy the ride. I'm also realizing that I've been trying to pay this particular debt off for 5 years. I just about fell over when I saw this (I keep my paperwork for 7 so I've got enough of a history on this card to watch myself rack it all up, and spin my wheels throwing money at it only to have it keep getting added. This is the part that pains me. I've added up (quickly so it's only ball park) the money I've been throwing onto this particular debt since I really got in trouble, and it's enough that I could have had a sizable downpayment on my own place already. By sizable, I mean probably paid this thing off 5 times over by now. Just goes to show that you really do need to stop using the credit card to get yourself out of debt. And to stop spending more than you make.
I think this may have a little bit to do with how I've been feeling lately. I've been throwing a pity party for myself since about May 24 weekend. So, since it's Momentum month - it's time to stop wallowing in self pity, self loathing and self regret, and time to get this machine in gear to get this done once and for all.
Enough of tossing hard earned dollars effectively down the drain. Heck I think it would have been more fun to be eating that money away, or traveling that money away!
Adjusted a little bit in June, but the end run to Debt Freedom will be such a ride that I'm going to look forward to each day, no matter what it may bring. I'll be debt free in just under 7 months and I can't wait any longer!!
TO be fair though - I've paid off 3 of 4 credit cards, bought and paid for a car, started and stopped a business, cleared my student loans, changed jobs twice, started and failed a weight loss program, made countless dumb mistakes, but had an incredible time doing it, and the real kicker - been to 12 weddings, 14 baby showers, countless wedding showers, been in 3 of those weddings, and visited San Francisco and Reno in that time. (19 wedding total, but 7 were from prior to 5 years ago). I've curled each of those year, and for three also played fastball/slo-pitch. I've moved twice as well.
Lots of stuff - and I've sure I could have been using my money more wisely - but that's why hindsight is 20/20.
So, world I'm not exactly ready to deal with all that is coming my way, but I'm doing my best, taking one day at a time and starting to make some smarter decisions when it come sot my money. For example, last evening I used my free-to-me bicycle to wheel myself to my Gail meeting. About 8.5km in 1/2 hour wasn't too bad for my second ride of the year! I've found 17 swim tickets I paid for 4 years ago that are still good for the pool they were purchased at, so next week I'll start doing laps. I may have paid a huge amount to lose 35 pounds only gain back 28 of them, but it's time to start losing weight and not paying anything more than sweat equity for them.
My plan to begin riding to work and walking to the mall is kicking in. Tonight it'll be walking to the mall I think.
It's time to pick up the momentum!!
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
June = Momentum
So I checked my calendar and wouldn't you know, June is Momentum Month.
Momentum. Yep - need that. Definitely had a little bit of a blah in the middle of May.
Antie Eboo, thank you for your comment. I was wondering if it was just me having a bit of a frustration over the debt thing. Thank you for your words on yesterday's post. Keep with it. Still paying debt, just have to get used to the shift you had to make.
To the other two commenters from yesterday - thank you also for reminding me that I'm not alone on my trek.
So, let's talk about Momentum.
Many definitions are listed for this. A quick google search yields the following:
1) The quality of motion of a moving body, measured as a product of its mass and velocity
2) The impetus gained by a moving object (ok, now what does impetus mean?! - it means a moving force)
3) Force or Speed of a moving object
4) Driving Power or Strength
Alright - I like the quality of motion of a moving body and driving power and strength from the above.
To have momentum, you have to have motion. I have motion. I've been moving for 5 months now. Check!
So now lets look at the quality of the motion. Honestly, this could be better. It's been a little bumpy, but I haven't yet figured out if it's the road I'm traveling on or the tires on my car. Though, wondering around the city in my Red Hot Jessica Simpson Heels was a bit of a pain in the feet, I'll tell you. Maybe it's the foot wear I've had on during this journey. I've been wearing nice shoes for most of May. Maybe it's time to ditch the pretty and wear the practical. Runners, Cross Trainers, Hikers, or functional flats should be my foot wear of choice for June. It will allow me to pick up the momentum on this debt thing.
We move onto the driving power and strength. That would mean motivation. What is your motivation? For me it's my desire to move on from debt repayment to get to some other life goals - a family, a wedding, a home, some room to travel. It is also the desire to get done with the debt before my grandfather gets too sick that I can't do things with him. We both have a desire to take a train ride across Canada and see the country in both day and night. I'm not sure if he's healthy enough to do this, but I'd love to take this trip with my family, especially him. I think it will be a great way to both remember his spirit after he passes, and enjoy our time together while he's still here.
Plus, I'll be honest, while he thinks I've got my financial game in order, I don't want to feel like I'm a fraud because I still have consumer debt.
So June, you bring momentum. Let's see how much we can generate this month!
Momentum. Yep - need that. Definitely had a little bit of a blah in the middle of May.
Antie Eboo, thank you for your comment. I was wondering if it was just me having a bit of a frustration over the debt thing. Thank you for your words on yesterday's post. Keep with it. Still paying debt, just have to get used to the shift you had to make.
To the other two commenters from yesterday - thank you also for reminding me that I'm not alone on my trek.
So, let's talk about Momentum.
Many definitions are listed for this. A quick google search yields the following:
1) The quality of motion of a moving body, measured as a product of its mass and velocity
2) The impetus gained by a moving object (ok, now what does impetus mean?! - it means a moving force)
3) Force or Speed of a moving object
4) Driving Power or Strength
Alright - I like the quality of motion of a moving body and driving power and strength from the above.
To have momentum, you have to have motion. I have motion. I've been moving for 5 months now. Check!
So now lets look at the quality of the motion. Honestly, this could be better. It's been a little bumpy, but I haven't yet figured out if it's the road I'm traveling on or the tires on my car. Though, wondering around the city in my Red Hot Jessica Simpson Heels was a bit of a pain in the feet, I'll tell you. Maybe it's the foot wear I've had on during this journey. I've been wearing nice shoes for most of May. Maybe it's time to ditch the pretty and wear the practical. Runners, Cross Trainers, Hikers, or functional flats should be my foot wear of choice for June. It will allow me to pick up the momentum on this debt thing.
We move onto the driving power and strength. That would mean motivation. What is your motivation? For me it's my desire to move on from debt repayment to get to some other life goals - a family, a wedding, a home, some room to travel. It is also the desire to get done with the debt before my grandfather gets too sick that I can't do things with him. We both have a desire to take a train ride across Canada and see the country in both day and night. I'm not sure if he's healthy enough to do this, but I'd love to take this trip with my family, especially him. I think it will be a great way to both remember his spirit after he passes, and enjoy our time together while he's still here.
Plus, I'll be honest, while he thinks I've got my financial game in order, I don't want to feel like I'm a fraud because I still have consumer debt.
So June, you bring momentum. Let's see how much we can generate this month!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)