Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Are You Supported?

Let's talk about support today.

It is something that we all need.  In various ways and at various times in our lives we require support.

In our home, as children, we need to feel support by our parents and siblings to help us learn and grow and accomplish things.  As an adult, in our home, we require the same thing.  It looks different at different times.  Support can be a counsellor to help us navigate the chasms of our mind.  Support can be a teacher, a guardian, a parent, a friend, sibling, life-partner, coworker or some other mentor. 

Life is difficult when you do not feel supported.  Life takes on a lot more meaning when you do have support. 

Today, I'm talking about support because in the past I did not feel supported at times. 

To be in a relationship and feel less than supported by your partner is hard.  To feel that you can't trust that the support that you need will be there, is very hard.  You feel alone a lot of the time.  You feel like you are fighting for yourself, and probably your partner too, trying to be the support that they need, even though you aren't receiving the support you need.

To be in a relationship that has support there, and that the other person genuinely wants to support you can be a foreign feeling for a lot of people.  To be able to have open, honest conversation even int he tough situations, and know that in the end, resolution, and support will be there is a very rare thing.  It should be cherished.  It is the foundation of love as well.

So, let's talk about support for a moment.  Do you feel supported in your home?  In your relationship?  At work? 

If you do - GREAT! - I'd love you to tell me about it in the comments!

If you do not, let's talk about this for a second.  What does support mean to you?  Can you articulate to yourself what you need as support, and what it looks like for you?  This is the first step in being able to ask for it, and receive it. 

Do you think you've got a handle on what support looks like for you?  If yes, great!  Now comes the hard part.  Being able to articulate that to the people you require support from.  Because I guarantee that even though you've tried and tried to convey what you need, it isn't translating to the other person.  I'm guilty of this as well, especially in the past. 

So sitting down with yourself is the first obstacle - purely because we aren't great at knowing ourselves, or spending time with ourselves, or even being kind with ourselves.  Then actually writing out what support looks like for you is the next major step.  Once you've got this nailed down, you can really talk about it with your family and friends and coworkers even.  Then, believe it or not, when these people do the thing you've asked them to do, you need to listen too.

So often we get steps one and two done and have the talk.  Then when those people start doing what you told them to do, we lose it.  It's a sign that we aren't ready to receive the feedback and information we say we need.  So after the talk, the next step is learning how to receive.  Receiving can even be, a thank you for your feedback.  In the future could we be a little more kind with the delivery?  It's amazing how many times people hear you, listen to you, and then put their own spin on it because that's how they need it to be said, not how you need it to be said.

This is a reflection of their own projection of what they want but can't articulate back onto you.  We train our family members, coworkers, and friends how to speak to us and deliver things to us even in our complacency of correction when disrespectful communication occurs.  We do this even in our own self-speak.  We've conditioned those around us on how to deal with us because we don't deal with ourselves with kindness.  Some of the work here is being able to set your boundaries and stick to them.  Some of the work on gaining support is actually retraining the people in your life that you need the support from, to better speak to and support you.  The conversation and words we use for ourselves is a great indication of what we will tolerate from others...even when we don't like it. 

How are you being supported, or not?  What do you need to be supported? 

Drop me a comment - or a paragraph or essay - about what support looks and feels like for you.
Let's start the conversation here, so we can all improve our support systems and self-speak.  This is a safe place to put it all out there.  Feedback is always appreciated.

3 comments:

  1. Since I left home, I feel like I have never had support. I married a man who completely abandoned me as far as support goes. I supported him in all his endeavors but got nothing in return to achieve my happiness or goals. I did divorce him over 30 years ago and have mostly felt adrift when it comes to support.

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    Replies
    1. Linda - I understand what it feels like to not have support and feel like you are adrift. It is something that you can learn to have too. Self-support is something I didn't talk about in this post, however, after your comment, I will be talking about it in the next week or so.

      The feel of being adrift that you speak of - how do you support yourself? Is it a feeling of "I just do what is necessary, I don't have a choice" sort of thing? Or, do you have support that you do not know about in your circle currently?

      I'd be happy to continue this conversation with you off of this public forum. Feel free to contact me at thequesttobe@gmail.com if you want to talk about it.

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Thank you for reading my little quest. Feel free to leave a comment, ask a question or just say hi! I wish you the best on your journey!