Wednesday, May 02, 2018

ARGH!

Today.

I'm exasperated, exhausted, drained, at the end of my ropes and stressed out.

Why?

Because I've allowed myself to stretch too thin on several items that I have passion for.  I now no longer have the patience to play the political game involved with some of these items.  And, I'm also out of patience due to the fact that the group I'm working with does not put in effort and rely heavily on two people to complete everything but are super excited to stand in front of those people and take all the credit for the project.

More than anything, I have expectations that have not been met, hope and faith that has been let down, and I'm defeated by the need for control of others at the expense of doing what is right, even when it feels hard and bad to do it.  Allowing a personal relationship t cloud what needs to happen to save the business itself is taking it's toll on me, because I do not agree with the position of the other side on this matter.

As such, today, I feel the weight of hopelessness, despair, and being clean out of fight to keep battling through to get a business into a better state of being.  Today, I am feeling very much like it is time to dive off the starboard bow and swim happily to the island waiting for me.

As well, I have little patience for self-centered and self-serving people.  I have little patience for those that want to continue to suck the energy from others without providing any meaningful energy contribution back.

In the end it is definitely the issue of wanting to be met effort to effort by people who have no intention of ever coming close to that and I am not able to empathize or sympathize with the fact that they may indeed be providing their best effort and I have decided it is not good enough. 

Yep.  You read that right.  I'm frustrated and I'm realizing that my frustration may be self-inflicted purely because I want people to be wholey involved in something they never had the intention of being wholey invested in, and I perceive the effort to be very one sided. 

So what can I do about this. I can voice my frustration and feelings.  Or I can vent this out in writing here and let it go.  And I can change myself.  The only person I can actually control in this entire situation.  I can choose to walk away from it, as there is no monetary gain for me to be doing this.  It is a volunteer situation.  And I can let it go.  I can start meeting people with their effort rather than going gun-ho the way I tackle my professional projects. 

All of these things I can control.  How others choose to participate in activities and Board initiatives is their choice, I can only control my choice.  If it is bothering me this much, I can scale back my participation to match the effort of others.  That will feel foreign though.  I have always been someone that puts my heart and soul into the projects I work on and overkill or "be extra" regularly.  I do not have to be that way in my adult life, as it is my choice to be that way. 

Alas, the frustration I feel is because I perceive the efforts of others to be sub-par to my own.  How conceited of me.  They are providing the effort they can provide and choose to provide.  As am I.  So my only option is to mitigate myself. 

Still ARGH!  That I have to be the one to see this, and make the changes.  I am tired of changing things. 

My other option - surround myself with the "extra" people and really get some things done, or channel my energy into other pursuits and let these floundering people flounder.

ARGH!




1 comment:

  1. The fact that you give your best does not excuse others from barely giving anything of themselves. Don't beat yourself up for their failures. Do not beat yourself up for knowing your own value and the value of your contributions.

    ReplyDelete

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